Blog

i hope it took you
smiling
because you were already
living numb

from a world
that taught you to escape it
i hope you landed
softly

selfishly
i consider this
or it’s too much
to bear

sometime i hope to feel you
in the colors
beyond the pale
•

This dude’s reign really took hold. Forget the protestant reformation, witch hunting and the demonization of apothecaries and drugs themselves began with this absolute shell of a man. If you want my dissertation on this subject please stay tuned, cause I will be writing on that topic when I have time. In the mean time check out The Immortality Key: The Secret History of the Religion with No Name by Brian C. Muraresku – this is an excellent and worthy read on a whole lot more than this, but will provide a lot of facts in this area.

But let me tell you, the shit that motherfucker constantine put in motion is still present to this day. You have to give the regime some credit for their ability recognize what specific elements to dig their hooks into in order to produce a lasting effect. I mean, this dude took what was already considered a “cult”, lured them in, appropriated the fuck out of their formula, condemned any human other than white straight men (in order to protect the bogus possession of and gatekeep the facilitation of “ultimate power” because who else would take that shit to the grave so hard – yes, not all men we know), and demonized drugs so hard that we STILL run hard at “just say no” and have piss poor knowledge about drugs due to fear and stigma. The AUDACITY. While it is impressive that it has achieved such longevity, the reality that was created in the 4th century B.C. has caused such a monumental level of death and destruction in its path it makes me sick. Would it have been worse had it not gone down this way? Perhaps. Is this the reality that we know and exist in? Perhaps. Will anything change on a large scale if the Vatican acknowledges the fact that they falsely claim to be the sole authority of enlightenment and release all of their deepest darkest secret? Probably not.

But. I live in the United States of America and I’m allowed to call bullshit on all of this and use my teeny tiny little platform to express my awe that this motherfucker is still present to this day. Witch hunts are still happening, in modern form, all over the world.

What’s different about now, though? The rise in technology and the ability to access information in real time all over the globe. On one hand, it is insane and devastating the nervous systems of our minds. On the other hand, it is providing the human race with an unprecedented view of the realities of what this motherfucker put in motion all those centuries ago.

So, in our quaint little towns, from our privileged perches here in suburban America, us witches and bitches sit ready to push back hard. The insidiousness of the same audacity that motherfucker constantine had just reared its ugly head in a sister business next to mine. Prompting me to femsplain to anyone who thinks they can “quietly” edge out those they do not understand. So, hear this:

If something feels dark to you, take a look in the mirror. Before you take action against the physical representation of the dark, ensure you are not projecting what is surely rotting within you onto the innocent. Objects are objects, plants are plants, words are words. It is the intention of the beholder to determine the harm produced by any earthly tool.

A lot of “witches” are here, educated, and are not afraid of the antiquated ignorance many possess. Many of us have had women breaking ceilings for us for centuries. Many of us have had to unpack the generational trauma embedded in us from small minded men with egotistical ideals driven by fear manifested as control. We are old enough now and free enough now, thanks to many sisters who came before us, to stand steadfast. Last month it’s a local food shop owned by a person of color in a white town, this week it’s a local shop run by a woman selling rocks and plants, next week we invite your congregation to open your minds and sit with the discomfort of your own darkness. You may be surprised by what you find there.

Peace be with you. And with you, as well.

::roxii

Until I was in my late 20s, my identity and experiences were based on my narrow worldview. I was taught that it was the job of police to protect me and to always be respectful to them because of that. This was proven to be true, my experiences with police were benign and I was always protected in those interactions even when I was getting in trouble.

One particular experience I will share here:

I was arrested in 2007 around 5:30am for a DUI and the cop apologized to me for putting me in handcuffs and graciously helped me into the back of the police car. I dramatically failed each field sobriety test all three times they were given. I blew a .279 BAC when I was finally able to perform the breathalyzer test properly at the police station after many failed attempts. The police officer then drove me 30 minutes back to my friends house in a neighboring borough after I was booked at the station. 

Takeaway: operating a vehicle with a BAC of .279 is a reckless and violent act, in that moment I was a violent criminal with a substance abuse problem. By the standards that are justifying police brutality I qualified for that treatment but did not receive it because I was protected. I am a white woman in a small town and had no criminal record.

A few years later I talked my way out of a second DUI because I know the rules and limitations of police reach and I knew how to play the cards.

In case you’re new to my story, I got sober in 2016 – almost ten years after facing consequences for my actions. It was not getting in trouble with the law that ultimately led me to change my lifestyle and behavior. It certainly contributed to the acknowledgment that I had a problem – but an internal shift must occur for any addictive behavior to be addressed. You can read more about my personal journey if you want here.

It took me a couple years to fully understand and wrap my head around how the police force as we know it came to be. It began as a protective measure under the guise of protecting Anglo-Saxon women from immigrants (yes both white and of color) and solidified after the abolition of slavery and reinforced by Jim Crow laws ^{1 2 3}. (the first film ever produced set the tone for the media image of the “dangerous black man”⁴). It progressed into the militarized organization it is today that fully perpetuates the prison industrial system supported by a failed drug war we still seem to be naive to as a greater society^{5 6}. The more I learned the more I understood how this contributes directly to the oppression of black and brown humans, those living in poverty, those experiencing mental difficulties, those indoctrinated into the criminal justice system, AND my own as a woman in our society⁷.

Oppression is fueled by the guise of protection.

We are now in a place where people are learning this reality and remain ignorant to it. I believe this is because, with the advent of information access, social media, and heavily bias media reporting (on both sides), and *some* progress (but far from enough), we have multiple vastly different cultures melting together in a new way for US history. We are watching the blending of it all and feeling attacked as a result. White women have grown up in America having it drilled into our heads that we NEED protection. It’s very difficult and takes a long time to break the conditioning we have been indoctrinated into.

Within my, admittedly still, narrow social world of predominately white humans it has become clear that this mentality has contributed to the unnecessary murders of black, brown, and white humans but also the ruining of lives of many who are swept up in the system and become institutionalized. Breaking the mentality of a human who has become institutionalized in our criminal justice system requires a lot of privilege and access to resources, not something every human has especially with the heavy stigma that remains about those who have been incarcerated or have a criminal record in their history⁸.

Our entire criminal justice system destroys the psyche for those who enter it and/or die as a result of it whether immediately at the hands of police trained by fear or later when mental states deteriorate in hopelessness.

It takes work to understand these harsh truths when your entire life has not confirmed that it is real. It is crucial that we understand just because what we have learned and seen has not been the same as what others say has been their experience it does not mean both experiences are untrue. We cannot discount the stories of others.

My life is no more or less worthy of protection than anyone else’s. We’ve got to allow that deeply rooted idea that we may net even realize is there go. It takes a lot to escape the denial that our very safe reality is reducing our ability to see how it harms others.

Educating ourselves can be hard when we are learning that what we’ve been taught to protect us may be harming others. I was defensive as I moved through the research that was challenging my reality. Humbling the ego is a major part of letting go of codependent relationship with a substance, I had been in that process as I was learning about these things and otherwise I don’t think it would have been possible for me to grasp what has been going on. Honestly, recovery programs can be helpful to move through the defensiveness while learning about this topic. If we can move through that defensive place we can allow some of the poison to be released from our minds. We can let it bleed out and open our minds to allow alternate realities to take up space in the hole it leaves and ultimately build empathy within us for those who live in harmful spaces.

I’m asking you to please digest before you discount when you see and hear things that directly oppose what you have known to be truth. There are many different truths in life, there is no one way that is consistent across the board, to think that there is has become a harmful naivety. We have to understand this if we are ever going to move forward.

We ALL possess what I am deeming “the miss piggy complex” and we need to understand it and then kill it. For me, miss piggy is a caricature representing the intersection between the police force, it’s underlying flavor of protecting “damsel in distress” white women at all costs, and the “helpless” woman who couldn’t possibly remain safe without a gang of armed strong men carrying her through.

We ALL need help sometimes, but we ALL possess the ability to do for ourselves as well⁹. We can help each other out when we need it, but this ancient mentality will always keep us in the oppressive state of “damsel in distress” which has turned into the Karen who cried Rape and is killing people.

–roxii

footnotes (clickable links)

¹ https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1057/9781137032447_4

² https://psmag.com/news/the-dangerous-delusion-of-the-big-scary-black-man

⁴ ”A rapacious black man stalks a young white woman until, to protect her virginity, she leaps off a cliff to her death.” (https://time.com/3729807/d-w-griffiths-the-birth-of-a-nation-10/)

⁵ https://www.suu.edu/hss/polscj/journal/v1n1.pdf#page=25

⁶ https://scholarship.law.duke.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?referer=https://en.wikipedia.org/&httpsredir=1&article=6040&context=faculty_scholarship

⁷ https://books.google.com/books?hl=en&lr=&id=M7OrWulxDXwC&oi=fnd&pg=PA1&dq=racial+history+of+police+in+america&ots=y9eoCAVQCQ&sig=M40Dm_nyWLKJfsFz9xWXR3HB0hg#v=onepage&q=racial%20history%20of%20police%20in%20america&f=false

⁸https://www.apa.org/monitor/2014/10/incarceration#:~:text=This%20kind%20of%20confinement%20creates,some%20up%20to%2025%20years)

⁹ https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1057/9781137032447_3

December 17 2012, one of my closest friends died from a heroin overdose. I’m still learning how to mourn her loss as so many of us are with so many people. Even in the midst of my own substance abuse problem with alcohol, I immediately began hyper-focusing on trying to understand heroin, addiction, and why it seemed like it was stealing people I love on a regular basis wether to use or to death. I learned a lot, one of them being that alcohol is more deadly than heroin.

It is February 22, 2021. The nature of my personality is to question everything and not stop devouring information until I find a “why” behind every single question I have (a blessing and a curse). The event of my friend’s death (and more that followed from other substances/mental health issues) combined with this facet of my being have had a few results. I have made my own choice to abstain from alcohol (in this piece when I say “drugs” alcohol is 100% included in that category), I have learned there are many things we can never find an answer for, and I have learned that some answers are quite obvious but we have been shrouded in fear perpetuated by people in power. Another choice I have made is to go back to college. This decision was made upon recognizing that we do not have a drug problem in this society, we have personal problems including but not limited to: ignorance (myself included). Personal problems that lead us to unsafe substance use because we have not received education or real information about drugs. We do not receive mental health education in this society either and we are constantly told contradicting things about what we “should” be by various people while we grow up. It is confusing and a recipe for continuous problems primarily stemming from our own ignorance. 

The worst thing about all of it is that many many people in positions of power are aware of ALL of these things and continue to do nothing that would work towards a real solution. Real change is hard, especially when it is a result of mistakes you made personally. I know that first hand. I have had to come to terms with many mistakes I made, even if a lot of them seemed to be the right thing at the time. We do the best we can with the information we have at the time. I was ignorant about my own self and who I was as a person, which has led me to hurt a lot of people and myself throughout my life. Recovery from personal issues is challenging, but it’s worth it. I’m a better person for it and people around me in society have benefited from my own personal journey. My child will have a better understanding of who I am and in turn – who she is – as a result of my own personal recovery from what I had been conditioned to perform as. Alcohol was a side effect of this issue. Addiction recovery is powerful and the more educated we become on substances the more effectively we can help those struggling with addiction and reduce stigma so that more people are comfortable admitting their struggle.

Our country made a mistake, they’ve made many mistakes when it comes to drugs. We do have a problem and the drug problems we face are a side effect of the bigger problems. Blaming an inanimate object with no agenda for serious socio-economic issues is laughable. The people who have the power to control what information we receive about very powerful and sometimes dangerous inanimate objects are the ones who have the agenda. The people in charge need recovery, I do not advocate for 12-step recovery programs across all experiences, but the people who have the ability to make changes could benefit from following the steps. 

My friend who died in 2012 died because the people she was with were afraid of getting in trouble. She could have easily been saved had fear of criminalization not been a factor. Had she been saved perhaps that event would have been an experience on her journey that led her to understand herself more fully and not want to escape from herself so often. We use many things to escape from ourselves and we use many things to get to know ourselves better.

When I discovered the work that Dr. Carl L. Hart was doing a few years ago, I was floored, his work is a majorly huge reason I took the jump to go back to college. His courage to speak about the truths of these things is astounding and valuable. While I was, at times, uncomfortable with his suggestions, I know from my personal recovery that discomfort is where we realize the change is happening. I cannot stop leaning into discomfort and every time I do I grow, shed more fear, and see things more clearly. More people with his knowledge and expertise need to come forward and start talking about real change. His new book Drug Use for Grown-Ups Chasing Liberty in the Land of Fear is a MUST READ for anyone who is trying to understand why we have people dying from these issues.

My goal is to help rehabilitate the minds of people in society to help us all become better versions of ourselves or perhaps get to know ourselves for the first time. As was the case for me, personally. The harmful effects of substance use begin to fall away when we begin to understand why we pushed ourselves into them, how they work in our brains, and where our personal limitations are. Make no mistake, I have an addictive personality, but now I understand more clearly why I do and what triggers those behaviors to come on and what substances I make the choice to stay away from because they are harmful to me. I will always choose to do self-awareness work because I want to minimize the stress factor happening inside my body from a physiological perspective. I strive for sound mental health which means understanding and educating myself on my own brain and what tools I can use to help and what things are not helpful. 

Here is the bottom line: there are simple, effective, and developed tools to help combat deaths related to drug use. They are unavailable to the American public because of fear-based laws deeply rooted in racism that have now become pervasive and effect every single person in the USA. It is ridiculous that people who have the power to make these changes are walking around, scratching their heads, expressing sympathy, and acting like they’re “working on figuring out solutions” when people have been proposing solutions for YEARS about to save lives and people are regularly continuing to die unnecessarily EVERY DAY.

Drugs are not solely responsible for the deaths of those who have passed while using them. Policy, miseducation/ignorance, fear, and those who perpetuate it all are responsible for those deaths. It’s time to change and get our heads out of our asses acting like we don’t know how. I’m fucking beyond over it.

-roxii

Buy this book and learn more about this work here: https://drcarlhart.com/

As a girl I quite feared becoming aware of my breathing and my heartbeat

Being aware of it happening would mean being aware when it stopped . as it was sure to do at any moment without warning

I did not give credence to my body to instinctively know to keep the rhythm

I would often become obsessed with reminding my brain to beat my heart and flow my breath . particularly at night while lying in bed

I would quickly escape the awareness as the fear took over that I would forget to remind my brain and it would cease to remember

An exhausting ritual that became so routine I no longer realized I did it until a therapist told me after observing me for about 30 seconds when I was 29 years old that I hold my breath all the time

Anxiety

Meditation is very strange for me yet it has been an essential tool that now saves me from myself quite often

That is all.

🖤 roxii

---

I found this in my notes on my phone, which is where a lot of my writing tends to take place. This was my head one month into quarantine, apparently.

---

Where does my “person” end and my “self” begin?

Is it the most true to remain alone and unattached or to nurture my own needs within interpersonal context?

When am I being selfish and when am I taking care of myself?

Is a certain level of desire for attention REALLY me, or is it purely ego? I was beginning to think a relationship with ego was necessary. To find what falsities the ego has built within and work with them to propel personal sustainability in a broader societal context (since I must as a parent, to some degree) and determine what aspects I can shed and what aspects are so deeply ingrained I must work with them to maintain sound mind.

Unfortunately now I’m beginning to wonder if I will ever have control over the elements of the ego I find distasteful. Knowing certain emotions are brought on by phantasmic ego stories doesn’t make the emotions easier to dispel. Sometimes, as I wait for them to pass, I still find myself unable to save reaction when it feels as though my heart is shattering into a million pieces because my favorite leaf was taken by the wind in that moment.

I don’t know.

The journey will never produce an answer.

That’s the whole thing.

I know there will be unrest and always internal battles, but I want to find the peace, the pause.

Perhaps that does mean being alone all the time, not just most of the time.

but arent i a human?

human hurts

🖤🖤 roxii

This is a paper I wrote for an English class in the fall of 2019. I wanted to share it because it is my opinion on the subject and provides some credible sources about the effectiveness of harm reduction as it pertains to recovery. For what it’s worth, I did get an A. Ultimately we all have our own opinions, but this is a comprehensive view of mine.

---

Changing the Conversation within Abstinence-Based Addiction Recovery Models 

If you found yourself grappling with the realization that you were struggling with substance abuse or addiction (now referred to as substance use disorder) where would you turn? What options exist to help you get on the other side of the life you are leading? For many in this position it is not a choice but a court mandated requirement to seek help. In my personal experience, and that of many others I know, the first line of defense is attending an Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) or Narcotics Anonymous (NA) meeting or attending an in-patient rehab facility. Both of these options entail being introduced to and fully expected to adhere to the twelve-step model of recovery. This model of recovery works very well for those who connect with the twelve-step program however, it does not work for many others. It did not work for me and it did not work for many people I care about, a portion of whom have since died from drug/alcohol abuse or substance use disorder. Alternative approaches to recovery, such as harm reduction therapy (HRT), have been effective for many in overcoming the battle of addiction/substance abuse. In the US we are currently in the midst of an opioid crisis which is taking countless lives, mainly due to contamination of the drug supply and the effects of a poorly realized and highly politicized “war on drugs” (Murray, J). In addition to the opioid crisis, “alcohol [is] the third leading preventable cause of death in the United States” (Alcohol Facts and Statistics). Clearly, the current methods of addressing and treating substance use disorder/substance abuse are not as effective as we would prefer. As people continue to die on a daily basis, it is likely that people would encourage discussions regarding any and all possible solutions. While it may be uncomfortable to discuss alternative options in a space meant to be exclusive in its value system, the time for change is imminent. If the long-standing traditional twelve-step groups continue to dismiss any discussion of alternative options for recovery at any stage – active or inactive addiction – it will do more harm than good, it is my observation that it already is. Normalizing the discussion about HRT in recovery spaces will ultimately lead to lives saved despite the discomfort that may be experienced, which is trivial when compared to death. While personal autonomy is attempted to be controlled through the legal system, humans ultimately possess free will. People can and will choose to do what they please regardless of elements of control at play. I see more deaths occurring as a result of trying to convince people what’s best for them rather than giving them the dignity to decide for themselves. 

The long-standing traditional twelve-step recovery models benefits the health of so many people and saves countless lives that would have otherwise been lost. Twelve-step recovery programs are firmly based on the foundation of abstinence from all mood or mind-altering substances and doing very deep internal self-reflective work with the guidance of another member or “sponsor” who has gone through the program themselves. This model for recovery is proven effective for those who are able to connect with the program. While a significant number of people are able to connect, a significant number of people are unable to connect. This is my personal observation and that of others within the recovery community. The combination of only having access to abstinence-based recovery models and the inability to connect to those models spells continuous relapse for many and abandonment of sobriety attempts altogether for many others.  Unfortunately, due to the anonymous nature of 12-step programs and the elusive nature of deaths associated with substance use disorder, it is nearly impossible to quantify data for this claim. There are people working in an attempt to create statistics, but I don’t know if it would be possible to find truly accurate information, as the knowledge of this claim is very observational. 

The concept of HRT is controversial for those in the spaces of twelve-step recovery; based on their own experiences total abstinence and working the steps are the only way to find and maintain sobriety. “Harm reduction is a toolbox of strategies and theories that can reduce negative consequences associated with drug use. It does not ignore the negative consequences of drug use, but rather, accepts that people use drugs for complex reasons and need advocacy and support to stay alive” (Punch, 2019). In today’s current climate this concept is controversial because for a very long time twelve-step recovery models were primarily the only available option. Much of our society is conditioned to think that abstinence from all substances is the only acceptable outcome for someone struggling with substance abuse/substance use disorder as a result.  As Dr. Carl Hart, Jr – a professor of neuroscience and psychiatry at Columbia University – states in his TedMed talk, “I believe science should be driving our drug policy and drug education about drugs even if it makes you and me uncomfortable” (Hart Jr., Dr. Carl). Here, Dr. Hart Jr. is discussing the criminalization of drugs based on misinformation surrounding the addictive nature of drugs, it is extremely interwoven with the misunderstanding of why HRT could be an effective option for so many. Dr. Hart Jr. also does a good job of breaking down the reality that the criminalization of drugs has its origins in racist ideology, is outdated, and exacerbates the problematic nature of finding effective solutions for the addiction problems our society is facing. 

We are now seeing studies proving the effectiveness, at least short-term, of HRT for alcohol and opioid use disorders. (Collins, Susan E). There are also personal testimonies of credible people within the healthcare field who are seeing positive outcomes as a result of utilizing HRT methods. (Mammen, Priya E.) One area to consider the effectiveness of HRT is the introduction of needle exchange programs to reduce the amount of disease being transmitted with intravenous drug use. (Vlahov, D. and Junge, B.) It is a valid alternative option that should be up for discussion when it comes to recovery from substance use disorder. That is not to say that other options are not also valid, but the idea that “one size fits all” is harmful when it comes to recovery from addiction. There is also the aspect that if someone can utilize HRT methods and come to a place to better connect with a twelve-step program, it could be beneficial for those who previously rejected the twelve-step models. Abstinence from a substance that will lead to unnecessary premature death is ultimately the desired outcome for anyone caught in the grips of addiction and there are multiple pathways to realize that success. 

There are reasons why it is uncomfortable and frowned upon to discuss HRT as a valid option in AA/NA spaces. A lot of the concerns, understandably, stem from a place of fear or simply ignorance surrounding the reality of HRT. Many think it gives people an excuse to continue using their drug of choice (DOC) and avoid doing the very important and necessary work long-term sobriety requires. When in fact, working with a therapist who is familiar and strongly connected to the concept of HRT, the work long-term sobriety requires is being done even though a person may still be using their DOC (Tatarsky, Andrew). Another obstacle when discussing HRT is accessibility. This is a very valid concern, as HRT requires having the financial means and the luxury of free time to support working with a professional. Many struggling with substance use disorder/substance abuse are members of marginalized communities, either through no fault of their own or as a result of their problematic behavior. Accessibility could be a very real obstacle, however that should not minimize the value of creating awareness that alternative options exist. Each person should be able to decide for themselves the best route for them to address their problem. 

If those who are firmly established within the rooms of AA/NA/rehab centers could find it in themselves to accept that not everything will work for everyone, and be honest about what that may look like, it could bring some very positive change to the way people seek out what recovery option will be best for them. I have met some of the most upstanding, morally sound, and loving people within the rooms of AA and I do not doubt that they only want what is best for each person who walks through the door of a meeting. It can be difficult to see past what works so completely for many people and validate alternative options, especially when the end result could likely be imprisonment or death. It is my observation that many, many people are needlessly being thrown in jail or dying prematurely, when another option may have saved them from their own demise. It may be scary to think about promoting drug use in any way when you have found a fulfilling life based on abstinence, but people will do what they will with their bodies and reducing the harmfulness of those behaviors will ultimately end up saving lives. 

Works Cited 

Collins, Susan E., Seema L. Clifasefi, Lonnie A.Nelson, Joey Stantona, Silvi C.Goldstein, Emily M.Taylor, Gail Hoffmann, Victor L.King, Alyssa S. Hatsukami, Zohar LevCunningham, EllieTaylor, Nigel Mayberry, Daniel K.Malone, T. Ron Jackson (2019, May) Randomized controlled trial of harm reduction treatment for alcohol (HaRT-A) for people experiencing homelessness and alcohol use disorder Retrieved from: https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0955395919300039 

Hart Jr., Dr. Carl (2015, May 19) Let’s quit abusing drug users  Retrieved from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C9HMifCoSko 

Murray, Jessica  (2019, February) The Ideological Conflict between the Criminalization of Drug Use and Harm Reduction Programming  Retrieved from: https://ir.library.dc-uoit.ca/bitstream/10155/1046/1/IdeologicalConflict-DrugCriminalizationVS.HarmReduction%20%28Murray%20Master%27s%20Project%202019%29.pdf 

Mammen, Priya E. (2019, September 11) Harm reduction saves lives now and in the future Retrieved from:  https://www.inquirer.com/opinion/commentary/harm-reduction-philadelphia-emergency-medicine-20190911.html 

National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (2018, August) Alcohol Facts and Statistics  Retrieved from: https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/alcohol-facts-and-statistics 
 

Punch, Alexandra (2019, May 12) We Should Promote Harm Reduction to Combat the Opioid Overdose Crisis  Retrieved from: http://lernercenter.syr.edu/we-should-promote-harm-reduction-to-combat-the-opioid-overdose-crisis-by-alexandra-punch/ 
 

Tatarsky, Andrew (2019, September/October) The Challenge of Harm Reduction  Retrieved from:  https://www.psychotherapynetworker.org/magazine/article/2395/the-challenge-of-harm-reduction/eb92ce6f-b742-4205-93dc-6751391f17b1/OIM 

Vlahov, D. and Junge, B. (1998, June 11) The role of needle exchange programs in HIV prevention  Retrieved from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1307729/ 
  

It’s been a bit since I’ve shared anything I’ve written here on my little slice of internet. I suppose I’ve been living life a bit backwards these days, but then again who says what is forward or backward? Direction is a personal choice to determine, so I take that back. It would be more fitting to say I’ve been living life on my terms these days and feeling out what is comfortable for me.

Along the journey of this past year I’ve been exploring, really focusing my intentions on the concept of non-attachment. I would never call myself a Buddhist, but I do use Buddhist practices to maintain sobriety from alcohol and have found it to be a very useful way of navigating life through the plane my consciousness is aware of being on currently. Non-attachment is a seemingly simple concept, however really understanding what it means to me will forever be a learning experience and one that I am grateful for. The concept of non-attachment within Buddhism is said to reduce the suffering we experience in this life. My current thoughts on what it means to me are written below. This is how I feel about it now, who knows what it will mean tomorrow.

When you release attachment you aren’t minimizing connection, desire, or pain. No, it is releasing the control those emotions hold on your self-worth. It doesn’t mean you won’t feel excited and/or devastated simultaneously or stand alone. It means you can feel the heaviness but know in the depths of you that you are alive and worthy of yourself. Outwardly, feelings will wax and wane, but inwardly the self is always there patiently allowing the motions to pass by. The key is knowing when to pause, connect, and remain steadfast in your self. To have awareness that we are all alone is truth, yet it does not imply that we must suffer without feelings that bring us happiness or fall prey to dark places when sadness befalls us. Embracing that truth and fearing that truth are two different operating systems. In the end that’s the oldest tale of all, yin and yang, adam and eve, ego and self. We are conditioned to battle the dualities, breaking the pattern is to embrace both and observe where they take you in your mind before reacting to the surface emotions they bring us. To know love is to know what it feels like to be genuinely connected to the universal energy that envelops us if we allow it. To know despair is to know what it feels like to resist that connection and succumb to the loneliness disconnection fosters. Feelings can cause our external energy to ebb and flow. In this realm where seemingly the only certainty is perpetual change there is comfort in knowing that to be connected to self is to know that no matter the feeling in your physical body, your internal energy will always remain connected. If you allow it, it can bring you back from the suffering we get lost in when the changes feel insurmountable.
This life ignites a wildfire all around us, finding security within releases the grasp fear can have on your ability to immerse yourself in all its untamable movements. Releasing attachment allows you to embrace the destruction and beauty of it all, experiencing the raw magnificence of the lifetime you’re in until the embers turn to ash.

This life is wild, unpredictable a lot of the time, and amazing. I’m going to continue to let it happen as it unfolds and be present for the ride.

Happy New Year

-roxii ✌️🖤

finding me
where i left me
somewhere
in the tangles
of my corian youth
good girl lies
and hurricane mind

i said come here girl
i'll show you
the truth
you're ready

let's die together
and we did