Preface: On Septemeber 19, 2018 I turned two years sober. Prior to that, I was a blackout drinker for approximately 12 years. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve blacked out because it happened so frequently throughout that time. I am intimately familiar with the effects blackout drinking has on a person. I am not a writer or a mental health professional, the things I write are from my own perspectives and experiences.
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“Wellllllll, I’m not really a religious person soooooooo…”, I said as I sucked on the butt of a cigarette way longer than necessary to get a good hit. This was the same night I fell into my bathtub, ripping down the entire shower curtain in the process. I woke up the next morning to find it and shook my head, smiling to myself. I assumed my friend had done it who had been over the night before. He had gotten “sooo drunk” I remembered, I was smiling because it was okay, I’ve done things like that too many times to count. It was totally cool, he was in good company.
I sent him a text to say “hey, did you somehow rip down my shower curtain? Haha, it’s totally cool! I do stuff like that all the time. Just curious :-)”. He responded with, “actually, you did that, we figured it was probably time to head out after that happened.”
It was not unusual for me to assume someone else did or said something that I actually did because generally speaking I didn’t have any recollection of said event or conversation taking place. The above is a mild example of a casual evening blackout at home with friends. For approximately 12 years, this is how I accepted life. Some blackouts found me at home the next morning and some found me in unknown places; some were mild (shower curtains) some revealed hysterical sobbing or altercations with friends (generally in public). This was normal. This was just what people did. I could brush it off and laugh at myself about the ridiculous and embarrassing things I did when I was drunk/blackout. I felt this was just part of my easygoing nature.
The thing about laughing off the things you do when you’re blackout drunk is that you’re laughing at a version of yourself you’ve never met. You’re brushing off the actions of someone you will never know. You are belittling and ridiculing a stranger. That’s mean. Being mean and demeaning to people you do not know is unhealthy, dangerous and goes against my own moral code of conduct. I was a hypocrite. I was being hypocritical of my own self – a stranger I could never meet.
A lot of people in recovery discuss the relationship between ego and self. When you’re living life as a hypocrite of your own self, imagine the fucked up relationship between ego and self living in one human being. I was aware on some level, though I did not have the vocabulary to articulate what exactly it was that I hated about myself so much. I knew if I stopped drinking I would actually have to figure out what it was that I hated with such scorn. That didn’t seem feasible or enjoyable, but avoiding your shit perpetuates things and eventually leads to worse things.
Worse things: there was an emptiness that slowly crept into my mind, a small space at first, but one that eventually grew. Living with two different personas, one you never really quite figured out and the other a stranger, creates a major disconnect within the soul. The emptiness expands between the ego and the self, figuring out what to do with that emptiness is difficult. When I was actively drinking, I realize I was trying to fill that emptiness with alcohol. I was killing my mind and my body and for a long time I really wasn’t into giving a shit. Giving a shit would require admitting that my perception of myself was incorrect. It would be a blow to my pride, my ego. It would require me to get honest and uncomfortable with the way I had been living my life for 12 years. It would be admitting hypocrisy. The ego is not easy to fuck with, but once you start tearing it down, it does get easier to put it in it’s place when you need to, not always, but most of the time.
A person in a pattern of addiction attempting sobriety is essentially a person attempting to take down their own ego, which has been loaded with artificial nourishment and grown to supersonic proportions with whatever substance that person has been abusing.
Whether you see life from a spiritual perspective or not, I think we can all agree on the existence of the ego. Everyone has some defensive layer of their being that keeps them in their comfort zone. How was your ego, in this life, shaped? Was it shaped with love, hate, abuse, support, warmth, negativity? I genuinely feel, more than will-power, more than the tools you find to combat addiction, more than how bad you want to be sober – the foundation of your ego will be your biggest hurdle when attempting sobriety. If you can face the things which shaped your ego once you stop nourishing it with a chemical substance, you may be able to dismantle it, or at least try to. In no way is this process ever easy, but for some it may be easier – relatively speaking – than others to face, accept and begin to shed the layers of the ego.
For some, it isn’t bearable to tear down the layers and contend with the ego face to face. Maybe that time hasn’t come for those who aren’t ready, but it doesn’t mean you can’t put down whatever substance is going to kill you and keep going until the unknown calls for your examination of your relationship to your self.
How did I get on the ego/self bandwagon?
Good question. I’ll save that for another time.
**I’m also a firm proponent of allowing yourself to find sobriety from whatever it is that’s killing you (physically or emotionally) by whatever means you can. Just because this is my perspective, does not mean I feel it is the only way. However you find a way to do the work sobriety requires and dismantle your version of the ego, that way is the right way for you, as long as you are not harming yourself or others.
– roxii ✌🖤
If you feel you may have a problem with drinking, please do not be afraid to reach out to someone – anyone – and talk it out.
Find Recovery Resources I find helpful here
roxii 
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