Shame.
The large rubbery bubble that builds in my lower abdomen and rises to the bottom of my diaphragm.
When it visits, it begins small – if I can feel it at all, I know it’s too late.
If I don’t distract my mind or my physical presence it will consume me entirely.
When that happens, the bubble grows and begins to rise into the back of my throat until my arms feel nauseated.
When that happens, I don’t know how to make it stop until it naturally dissipates, but it will freeze me.
When that happens, it’s fetal position and close my eyes until it’s over.
When that happens it is gasoline for the hate I feel because I am wrong.
I am wrong.
I don’t want it to be real.
It isn’t real.
Having a word to associate with this feeing is new. I only discovered what this feeling was after getting sober and learning my feelings. Shame.
You know how you speak your thoughts in your mind and those are the ones you can somewhat control? I’ve always felt two channels of thinking within my mind (as I’m sure most humans have). One is not conscious, but rather just how you are guided or driven to behave or feel. The other is more of a conversational mind flow. I have always felt as though I were having a conversation with another person in my mind and this was how I controlled my subconscious thoughts. Jiminy Cricket really resonated with me. I always assumed it was my conscience I was mentally speaking to. Not like a voice, per se, but more a way for me to work out what I was dealing with at any moment in conversation form.
I did not ever allow these thoughts I knew were percolating below to come to fruition within my conscious thoughts. If they surfaced I bashed them away with the force of a tsunami wave – leave me now this isn’t real I am normal. I’m not that way. Other people are that way, and that is okay, but I am not that way.
If I did not actively participate in the thoughts, consciously, then they weren’t real.
It isn’t real.
My actions and biological urges proved otherwise. I was and am consistently drawn to the same desires. I have always known the truth, but I have never allowed myself to consciously reveal that truth to myself. I don’t know if that makes sense to someone who has not experienced a similar internal conflict.
Now that I have allowed myself to embrace this truth, why do I feel the need to share? Why is it a big deal? (It shouldn’t be)
Because I’m pissed. I am mad as hell.
I have spent my life feeling inherently wrong, feeling hatred toward myself, feeling broken, feeling like a pervert, feeling like I can never reveal my true self to anyone, including myself. I have been living uncomfortable in my own skin. I have spent so much time trying to prove to myself that men want to be with me because if they don’t it will mean it’s true. I have put myself in unhealthy situations and I have unintentionally used others in order to feed a myth I was taught to accept as truth by society. I have misunderstood my own sexuality because I have been bombarded with arbitrary information about what sexuality is supposed to look like for men and women alike. I have harbored biphobia for so long that even when I finally allowed the subconscious thoughts to enter my conscious thoughts two years ago preceding a panic attack, I still brushed it off as though I was broken, told two people and continued the familiar repression until recently.
I am bisexual. I have always been. I have always been afraid of it. I have always been afraid of myself.
I don’t think I need to tell you why I felt this way, I think you already know. Aside from the fact that any non-traditional sexual preference is viewed as something which is less than, regarding bisexuality there are specific stereotypes.
Why does it matter that I share this information publicly with friends, family members, clients and strangers? Because I am privileged, safe and I am certain (generally speaking) people will applaud me for “being brave” or welcome me with a “who cares?!” but I still feel shame.
Imagine those who are not privileged, who are not in safe spaces, who will not be received with open arms by those who still most likely harbor their own versions of bi or homophobia.
People are dying. People are so consumed with shame they are drowning themselves in substances so they can hide in one way or another. People are hiding in bottles – medicinal or alcohol. People are leaving, they’re seeing themselves out with self-inflicted deeds. People are being murdered in public and in private. People are being abused, physically and emotionally.
Until it is no big deal at all in any way for people to express their sexuality openly or privately and not feel shame, guilt, fear, confusion there will still need to be people who “come out”. I don’t think I need to create a list to prove the existence of violence and hatred still spewed at the LGBTQ+ community. I’ve witnessed it with my eyes in real life and I have seen it in the news. Homophobia is alive and well.
I am small and I do not have a platform to be shouting it from the rooftops, but I am in a place where I can openly share this information in an attempt to normalize it. I am breaking my lifelong promise to take this information to the grave. The fact is that sexuality is non-binary for many people and we need to stop feeling the physical and mental affects of shame, guilt and fear. We need to stop being met with violence and misunderstanding because people are uncomfortable.
If you are wondering what coming out means for my life, you are one of the ones who does not understand. I do not fault you, but I will be honest with you – it would behoove you to get uncomfortable and educate yourself on the various nuances of sexuality that are not a choice we make, but an inherent natural part of who we are as human beings.
The shame comes less often these days, but living openly in my truth helps to diminish those feelings more and more. Living in this truth is a work in progress, just like everything else in my life, but I am doing the work and no longer living in the dark.
-roxii
If you are struggling with your sexual identity and need help, please check out these resources:
*There are many more, these are just a few.
roxii 
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