I wrote this about two and a half months after I quit drinking. No editing, just the way I wrote it then. If anyone in early sobriety can relate, this is for you.
December 5, 2016
Well, here it is. The unclouding.
I’ve been living under a blanket of alcohol and cynicism.
I just didn’t know it.
So heavy are/were my fears of failure and my insecurities so unbelievably unbearable.
Drink it away. Just don’t tell yourself.
Don’t let you know or you’ll know for sure.
You’ll never be like them, you aren’t allowed.
You were never any of those things, so you try to fill the void by pretending.
If your opinion is strong (while you’re so weak)
You can make statements and sound self-assured (you’re not, even a little)
later you’re stuck thinking about it
digging further into the hole (watch the bottle hit the floor)
Well, fuck that.
Fuck all of it.
Now I’m digging deeper into my soul.
I want to know who it is that’s been tossed around and buried beneath the yarn I’ve been spinning.
It might take awhile and I’ll probably still never fully know – but this is the wandering soul only I know and she’s just beginning to come out.
Today I sit here just about three years sober, and I can tell you – she has come out and will only continue to emerge from the dark spaces.
This journey is ever-changing, hard as fuck, and painful at times, but there is absolutely no comparison to the pain and heartbreak of tossing your soul around like a rag doll and never being able to figure out why you can’t feel unless you’ve got poison permeating your blood flow.
-roxii
roxii 
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