obsessive desecration

As a girl I quite feared becoming aware of my breathing and my heartbeat

Being aware of it happening would mean being aware when it stopped . as it was sure to do at any moment without warning

I did not give credence to my body to instinctively know to keep the rhythm

I would often become obsessed with reminding my brain to beat my heart and flow my breath . particularly at night while lying in bed

I would quickly escape the awareness as the fear took over that I would forget to remind my brain and it would cease to remember

An exhausting ritual that became so routine I no longer realized I did it until a therapist told me after observing me for about 30 seconds when I was 29 years old that I hold my breath all the time

Anxiety

Meditation is very strange for me yet it has been an essential tool that now saves me from myself quite often

That is all.

🖤 roxii