My Sober Story

“I’ve never seen any life transformation that didn’t begin with the person in question finally getting tired of their own bullshit.”

-Elizabeth Gilbert

A lot of people reach out to me to ask me what I did to get sober. The answer is not simple, nor is it unique. I will do my best to share here most of what I can put into words about my sober story.

I used to do a lot of reading whilst intoxicated. One of the books I read toward the end of my relationship with alcohol was Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert. It more than likely had an influence on the finality of the end of my drinking days. She writes about the creative process in a way that made it feel accessible to me, a person who has never felt that I had permission to be a creative individual, yet felt an intense drive towards creativity.

Just short of a year after getting sober, I came across the quote I have posted at the top of this page. My reason for getting sober written out in a simple, yet extremely profound statement from the mouth (hands?) of a woman whose opinion I heavily value.

I cannot explain why I finally came to the decision to quit drinking. I experienced “the pop” or whatever you want to call it. I was done. I had had enough of the abuse I was putting myself through via alcohol consumption. I’m grateful that I was not chemically dependent on alcohol yet, but I was certainly headed in that direction. Mentally and emotionally, I was very dependent.

For years I was uncomfortable with the idea of getting to know my sober self because I was certain I hated her. I didn’t have the vocabulary to understand the reasons why I hated her, so it was difficult to get to a place where I was willing to strip away the comfort of ignorance alcohol provided me. I now understand a great deal more about what it was that I hated so much about me. Gradually, it started to become alarmingly clear that my drunk self was someone I didn’t actually know.

I spent a lot of the year of 2016 trying to understand my place with myself. I had spent a lot of time in my 20s finding myself and figuring out what kinds of things I valued, yet I was not able to implement most of these things into my life. I used a lot of excuses as to why I just couldn’t make things fit. My biggest excuse was alcohol. I knew the person I was deep down inside. The exterior, surface of myself had a very misguided idea of how to navigate the world as my inner self was in direct conflict with the choices my outer self would make on a daily basis.

Finally, one day, after waking up in a sweaty panic (not unusual) not knowing where I was (in a hotel, next to my husband, right where I was supposed to be) and not knowing how I got there (walked), I quietly decided that maybe this was it. (For the record, typically when I woke up in this manner, I was at home in my own bed.)

The previous day had been my cousin’s wedding. It was a lovely, chill affair at which I promised myself I would not blackout (ha). I did my normal routine the night before, which was to get just drunk enough that I would have functional hangover the day of the wedding.

(Functional hangover: the type of hangover where you can keep drinking to keep it at bay, but more than likely pass out before the blackout hits. The sweet spot. This was my go to type of hangover for events like this where I had to work, be professional or just be present. It was becoming much harder as the years went by to control achieving this type of hangover. Sometimes I would hit the sweet spot, but more often than not it was becoming harder to avoid the blackout and stop the consumption before it left me debilitated the next day.)

I ended up blacking out at the end of the wedding anyway and didn’t remember walking back to the hotel with my husband and another couple. My blackouts were unpredictable, yet typically I was mild-mannered and fun loving, so often forgiven and becoming more frequent. As I laid in bed the next morning with my husband, asking him the standard routine series of questions (did I say anything offensive to anyone? was I mean? did I fall? how hard? where is my phone? where are my keys? we went where? etc.) he revealed that I had asked him to take a video of me while I was blacked out. We watched the video, laughed, yet I was utterly and completely fear-stricken. I didn’t recognize the person I was watching in the video. I had no idea who she was, what she was saying or why she was acting so absurd. I was immediately suffocated with the idea that this was the person most people knew as me.

It was not okay.

I was tired of my own bullshit.

It was time. I knew it was coming, I had been contemplating it for so long. I had tried stopping completely before, but never got further than a week or two. I could not regulate, I had been trying to quietly regulate my drinking for years. If you don’t tell anyone you are attempting to do something at which you know you will fail, then you can’t really fail, can you? (The impact personal failure has on your mental state will be a post for another time)

There are some things I can laugh about now, that I couldn’t for a long time. One of these things is when I tried to seriously, for real, regulate the previous week, I had done it alone, during the week. Those are two pretty significant red flags and it’s quite comical to me that I felt the need to be alone to really focus on regulating the amount of alcohol I was ingesting. It was very normal for me to drink alone after my husband went to bed. The first night I bought one bottle of wine to have one glass in the evening, like a normal person. The bottle was gone within an hour and I was seriously pissed that the liquor store was closed and I could not get more (Pennsylvania still has archaic laws about alcohol, which I now don’t think are that terrible). The next night, I got two bottles just in case I drank the first bottle completely – two bottles gone that night. Standard Wednesday evening, though typically there was whiskey involved, as well. Then, the wedding.

I knew it would be very difficult and I didn’t tell anyone except my husband for awhile. I tried to figure out what exactly I would say. What would I say when I was met with resistance from friends I normally drank with? How would I stop? Would I need rehab? Would I still have friends? Would I still have fun? Would I find out I can’t feel emotion because typically the only time I felt emotions was when I was drinking? Would I find out I was actually a piece of shit human being who has nothing good to offer society? Would I hate everything I had so proudly chosen to do in my life leading up to this point? Would I decide that I actually do want to live in California and be super pissed that I bought a house in PA? How would I present the fact that I was no longer drinking?

The questions were LOUD in my mind. They consumed me on a daily basis. I had began a few weeks earlier working out with a trainer (I was no stranger to working out with a trainer – more on body image in a future post) so it was already in place. A lot of my energy was channeled into fitness and health, which was really positive. My trainer is now one of my closest friends, the universe truly does give you what you need even if you can’t see it clearly in the present. I also found a wonderful therapist (everyone should seek therapy NOW, substance abuse or no). I discovered astrology which eventually got me in touch with a spiritual side of myself that I had been denying, well, pretty much for as long as I can remember (I began questioning organized religion when I was a church-going child). I found meditation, yoga and connection to a more Buddhist/eastern way of thinking about life. I had a very important friendship connection that allowed me to discover things about myself I had always been unsure of, the universe puts important things in your path when you need them, inexplicable as they may be. I began working the Refuge Recovery program and still work this daily. AA saves a lot of lives and I’m grateful it exists, but it was not the right fit for me and my journey (and that’s okay).

I was lucky to have had all of those resources. I am privileged to have been able to so easily access these tools and allow them to consume me completely and still remain steadfast in the life I had somehow made for myself. I married one of the most understanding and patient human beings that exists on this earth and I am grateful every day that he gives me the space I need to maintain sobriety.

I now have a much better balance of these elements. In the beginning, I do believe it is necessary to do whatever it is you need to do to get things in place for long-term sobriety, as long at you aren’t harming yourself or others. Not everyone has access to these things and not everyone has the luxury of time and money to be able to regularly partake in the things they find helpful.

I still read a lot. I’m definitely a “I’m currently reading 2-4 books right now” type. I began to reread Big Magic recently with a clear head. It gives me the same feeling I had when I read it drunk, only this time – I remember most of what it says. In early sobriety, when I began looking into Elizabeth Gilbert and discovered her online presence, I happened upon a website called hipsobriety.com. Admittedly, at first, I scoffed at the idea of someone labeling sobriety as “hip”. Seemed gimmicky to me (because I was a cynical asshole at the time – sometimes still am), yet as I began reading I couldn’t stop. I devoured everything she wrote on this blog. I related so hard to what she was saying. I began following her on Instagram and it was one of my main sources of sober connection I had in the early days. I still follow her and she still posts things that stop me in my tracks and I think, “well, shit. yeah. same.” and my shitty negative self-talk turns around for the moment. She also introduced me to this book: Eastern Body Western Mind by Anodea Judith which I essentially treat as a life study-guide/bible and reference almost daily.

I was tired of my own bullshit. That is the bottom line. You will find more realizations and stories from my alcohol-laced days to the more full and simplistic life I now lead here on the blog.

Thanks for taking the time to read my sober story. If you are struggling with substance abuse please find resources here to guide you in a direction towards sobriety.

-roxii