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Craving

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This isn’t some profound piece on craving, it’s just some shit I feel because we all have shit.

The craving hit me so hard today. It’s Christmas.

I’ve been sober for 2 years 3 months and 1 week.

(six is an intriguing number to be correlated with a day of intense craving)

I can pinpoint the reason(s) why I’m experiencing this craving, which is helpful but also frustrating because the reason(s) are somewhat beyond my control. Some are, some aren’t and the ones that are… well, timing is everything, right?

I have the tools and I know the appropriate way to navigate through a craving a come out on the other side. These things are working and helping, but when I am in it, I am in it.

The cravings come few and far between, which is nice. Not like in the beginning. The mind also tricks you. It isn’t always alcohol I’m craving, but ultimately my emotional dependency would revert back to alcohol if I gave in.

Realizing the craving wouldn’t always present itself as a craving for my drug of choice was a game changer. Recognizing the emotion associated with my cravings was necessery.

I know this will pass, it always does.

Writing this out and sharing it is a helpful tool. One of many.

If you are craving, you are not alone. This time of year brings it on in a big way.

It will pass.

This, too, shall pass.

Breathe.

–roxii

Comments

4 responses to “Craving”

  1. Emma Avatar
    Emma

    Hi Roxii
    I am coming across your post today and will continue to follow your blog. You have re inspired me. I was quit for over a year then thought a holiday drink would be fine. Long story now I’m desperate to find my sobriety again. You write in your piece here realising the craving wouldn’t always present itself as your drug of choice was a game changer. I would dearly love for you to expand further on what you exactly mean in detail. I’m seeing it from my point in which I replaced alcohol with sugar and struggled to lose the weight. Did you replace alcohol with something and realise that it was the alcohol driving you to do so. Or was it something else. I would dearly love to know I feel you have the key to an answer within myself that I haven’t found yet after searching for so long.

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    1. newroxii Avatar
      newroxii

      Emma,
      I love that this is resonating for you. First – over a year of sobriety is an amazing accomplishment! You should be proud and don’t discredit yourself for that holiday drink. A relapse is human and doesn’t mean all your hard work was for nothing. Just a bump in the road.

      Second, the craving. Are you familiar with the term process addiction? It has a lot of different terms, depending on what recovery material you use – but is essentially a term for how your addiction can come through in other ways.

      For me, when I quit, I became emotionally dependent on a different source. However, I didn’t actually realize/admit what that was until, like, a year – a year and a half later. It could be anything for anyone. Exercise, food, sex, another person (why you always hear not to get involved in a relationship in early recovery), work, etc. For me, when the source I had become emotionally dependent on was no longer available to me I went through an emotional withdrawal. It was intense and only after that happened did I realize it was the release from my emotional dependency on alcohol I was experiencing because that hadn’t actually happened up until that point. My therapist was pretty crucial during that time – it was panic attacks a lot of crying and difficulty breathing for awhile. It passed 😀. That is the craving I still experience, but when it comes through I acknowledge it, notice is, remind myself of what I wrote about how it would ultimately lead me back to the bottle and it does pass. It always passes. I have learned not to stew and live permanently in the craving. As long as I continue doing the work of sobriety, I always have access to the tools I use to get through it. Even if you dont6have access to a therapist, this is where meetings and having that connection of other experienced people in sobriety comes into play. Knowing this is something that happens and knowing how to recognize it are key.

      With all of that being said – I have to be honest. Everyone’s sobriety looks different, what is true for me may not be true for you. The journey is a very personal one and I do feel that you can find the answers you’re seeking within yourself. Guidance, connection and educating yourself on addiction, recovery and who your true self is will be so helpful to you on that journey. I don’t hold a secret that will give you all the answers, I wish I did – believe me – I wish I did. It seems like you know all of that, but I just always want to be clear. You have the power within, however that resonates with you. You can do it.

      Also, the sugar thing: The sugar replacement was likely a result of the intense sugar craving that is experienced when quitting alcohol. Alcohol of any kind is basically sugar. So, when you quit your body craves sugar big time. Once I learned that i was able to better handle my sugar cravings. It can spiral for sure, especially if that where your emotional dependency transferred to. This time of year brings lots of sweets, maybe that was a trigger for you?

      I tend to ramble, so I hope anything I said makes sense. If you have more questions or just need to chat, feel free to reach out!!

      -roxii

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  2. emma bulmer Avatar
    emma bulmer

    Thank you Roxii for getting back to me I was so excited to see a message from you. When I say a holiday drink I didn’t explain that it was a weekend away back in June. I had been sober for over a year and yes it had been an emotional struggle as I didn’t really know what to expect imfrom a sober life as I’d been drinking heavily for 20 years. Anyway I was starting to feel better in my sobriety and realising I could cope with emotions much better my panic attacks had gone my anxiety much more handleable. But then I had that one drink which had now been 6 months of increasing back to being a heavy drinker beating myself up every day hating myself so much. Feeling this is my lot. I have tried a few times to stop again but then something happens and my anxiety needs calming with a drink. But over this Christmas period I have blacked out a few times after having more than 20 standard drinks each night and so the cycle continues. I hate myself Roxii But I haven’t totally given up on myself just yet. It’s just getting through and not using something else as a crutch. Sugar and exercise are my thing. I’m lost and in much need of advice. I love to read memoirs of others struggles and overcoming alcohol. Do you have any recommendations. Thank you for listening
    Em x

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    1. newroxii Avatar
      newroxii

      I understand! The one thing I cannot stress enough – never stop trying to stop. If that is what you want, there will come a time when you will be able to. Always keep trying.

      I devoured blogs, books and still do! I think it is super helpful. Here are some of my favorites if you haven’t already come across them:

      Hipsobriety.com (this website probably saved my life)

      Soberseniorita.com (another great sobriety blog)

      Russell Brand’s book “Recovery”

      “Blackout” by Sarah Hepola

      “Big Magic” by Elizabeth Gilbert – this isn’t recovery related, per se, but it helped me tremendously with things I often fight with in my mind. It is an amazing book.

      I also made a lot of my social media accounts especially curated for recovery oriented things.

      Also, Refuge Recovery are the meetings I attend and the program I follow. It is Buddhist based. AA saves a lot of lives and now that I’m connected to my own self truth I can connect a bit with AA, but it wasn’t for me in early recovery and it isn’t the only way. Meetings in general are helpful. Online and real life communities and connection are invaluable in recovery.

      Try to have compassion and be kind to yourself. We get lost, it doesn’t mean we have to stay lost. And like I said before, a relapse isn’t the end, just a bump in the road (even if that bump lasts for awhile) you still did all that work previously, don’t discount it.

      Always here to listen 🖤
      -roxii

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